Sad and Beautiful World

Blissed Out Domesticity (with bonus shots)

I truly cracked my shit up when I took these, and this one makes me laugh every time I look at it. Doesn't look anything like me!

My daughter loves this first one below best, saying it is the best photo of myself I've ever taken and it needs to be my Facebook profile picture immediately (check)!

My husband finds this second one strangely alluring/hot. So do a lot of others, apparently!

I think this third one makes me look a bit like a rabid animal and is hilarious, but a bit scary. :)

 

And a few more I didn't post on Flickr:

 

Originally I was trying to do something completely different, a sort of film noir attack-of-the-kitchen kind of thing, but I could tell while shooting and looking at the back of the camera occasionally that it just wasn't working. So I gave up and just started hamming it up for the camera. When I reviewed them on the camera I laughed so loud I scared the cat. :)

Here is a peak at the original idea:

It was a lot of fun to have that much fun taking photos. :)

 

Your sky all hung with jewels. Day 38

I put a sheer fabric over top the lens and the flash to create a grainy, diffused effect.

I did it!

I went out to the park today with my camera and tripod and took self-portraits in broad daylight with nobody there to hold my hand (literally or metaphorically) for the FIRST TIME EVER.

Granted, there wasn't anyone really around, but that road is lined with houses you can't see from this low angle and there was an elderly woman walking towards me with a dog and she could have EASILY seen me at any minute! Also, a car or two drove by. Maybe even three. I did not feel scared though. I was determined. I will be acting like a complete idiot in public before we know it! Hooray!

I'm proud of me.

 

Seeing Ourselves and Seeing How Others See Ourselves

I started a year of self-portraits in August of 2006. I ended up doing it for 2 years straight not because I am narcissistic (though I am, a bit), but because I was learning things and enjoying it and ok fuck yes, because I'm narcissistic.

Taking daily self-portraits while trying to be creative got me thinking about how we present ourselves to the world, and how we can manipulate how others see us so easily in some ways, but in other ways it is far out of our control. With a still image especially (and this is why 'art' is subjective), the viewer creates a completely new work of art when they bring their own experience to the image. People are only seeing one small sliver of who I am when I present a self-portrait, even when I think I am giving more. Sometimes they are misunderstanding me completely (and I don't mind). Sometimes they are seeing a deeper meaning when there isn't one, or not seeing one when I felt like I displayed my very soul. In reality, the viewer is seeing part of me, yes, but they are seeing themselves more.

This year of self-portraits so far has been quite a different experience, personally. Or maybe I just forgot how introspective it can make me feel (more than usual), and how sensitive and raw it can make me feel. Narcissism aside, putting oneself out there day after day after day can make one feel more vulnerable than ever. It can be hard sometimes, but that's part of the whole experience I think. I shot this photo on Day 34 because I didn't want to be seen, really. I've played with this concept before (with this mask):

Then on Day 35 I went into the city to see a discussion about Andy Warhol put on by the Da Vinci Art Alliance (of which I'm a member) to mark the 25th anniversary of his death. His nephew and niece, both artists, were there to share family stories and art as well as a lecture from Dr. Deb Miller, President of Da Vinci.

That Warhol lecture really got under my skin. It's funny because when I was first introduced to Warhol's work as a teen (the first I remember seeing it in a museum, anyway), I hated it. I didn't get what he was about or what he was doing. Later on in years now (much), I have a real appreciation for it. Oh, and on a side note, we were shown a bunch of his early illustration work (before he got into pop art), that I'd never seen before and it was absolutely wonderful.

Anyway. Andy did a series of film (movie film) portraits from 1963-1966 called the Screen Tests. Subjects (such as Lou Reed, Allen Ginsberg, Salvador Dali) were asked to sit still in front of the camera for three minutes, creating a "living portrait." The results are fascinating as different aspects came out of each person's personality. Some individuals did not follow instructions. Deb Miller in her lecture the other night said about these that Andy told subjects not to smile--unless it was a fake smile.

This got me thinking more about how we see ourselves and present ourselves to others, and how others see us. I played around taking photos last night with this wig and without, making "fake smiles" and faces to the camera as I thought about all of this. And this is what you get.

I kind of love how weird it is and how much it doesn't look like me.

February Begins

Made it through the first month of daiy self-portraits! Even though I've done this twice in the past, I'm surprised I made it. I'm not as into it as I was once, but I think that is only because I've intentionally made myself uncomfortable. Still so much to learn and still need to lighten up when a shot is basically just crap, like this one:

Because then I only try harder the next day to get something better, like this one:

And then I just have to work on letting go of the fact that sometimes a photo doesn't get many comments on Flickr.

Ah, insecurities. Ah, hormones. Ah, being a 42 and a half year old basket case. :)

xo

A Day Out

It was ridiculously warm on the last day of January. Seems it was in a few places across the US. I had information on an easy-access place I wanted to check out and do just an hour or so of shooting, just to try some things and keep me excited, but I had nobody to go with me. I moaned on Facebook about it after asking a few people and asking publicly for company, only to find nobody. Good thing is, it got me motivated. Another goal for this year (a year that I would like to make about overcoming those irrational fears that hold me back), is to cultivate some real relationships with fellow photographers who are into this kind of shooting, because it isn't always feasible for me to jet off to Detroit (sadly).

I need partners here. I would love to find even a fraction of what I see the photographers share in the D, and I need to make it happen because people aren't going to just come get me. So I made efforts this morning. I emailed some people. I joined a MeetUp group. And then my friend Carol phoned and said she could come with me. She doesn't take photos. She is a supporter of my art and wanted to see me 'in action'. She is a totally mellow person to be around, went along with me and proved to be an invaluable assistant (ooh, I need an assistant). It felt good to be out (the building was of course freezing). It felt good to get this kind of dirty. I want to integrate myself more into the environment and i had some misses today, but I had fun trying and it gave me insight into what I should do next time.

This is the BW version of the image I chose for Day 31. You can see the color version on Flickr but need an account to 'click through' the moderate filter.

One of the things I'm interested in doing with these abandoned self-portraits is becoming more a part of the environment, literally. I had an idea to coat myself in baby powder floating in my head for years now (thanks to my friend Sooz, who suggested using that instead of asbestos powder when I remarked how cool it would look coming down a hallway covered in it at MCS).

So I went ahead and tried it yesterday, but I really needed to dampen my skin first to have it work properly. It was very hard to see it also due to the fact that I am white as a ghost normally. I am now considering other options. Body paint in various colors of debris, maybe in combination with powder, is one consideration. Waiting until it is a LOT warmer is another one. :)

You can see the powder better in the shot below, sort of, but I had some major issues locking the focus due to the low light, and it is blurry. Need to be better about taking my time. Patience has never been a strong suit. ;)

Confidence Coveralls!

It's decided. I can feel the coveralls gaining power since I thought of them this way. I just have to believe, is all! They are my Red Dress. I am making them my Confidence Wig, only they are Coveralls. Thanks Jenny, for all your inspiration. I don't think you will ever realize the extent of how much you help people.

No more fucking road blocks.

January's Final Stretch

Day 27:

On Day 28 I tried for an out in public shot again but I rushed and felt really self-conscious and so they were crap, so I experimented with a shot in the back seat of a moving car. I really like how it came out, so that's good. Nice and cinematic..

And then yesterday (cross-posted from Flickr) I spied this little plow in the far corner of the local supermarket parking lot near me as I drove by it earlier in the day.  I asked my daughter if she might come be a look-out for me after dark so I could try and be brave and take self-portraits there. I wasn't sure if I'd climb on it or not because I hadn't really scoped it out. I decided to wear my coveralls thinking if it seemed out of sight enough I'd go for a naked shot. I also started wondering about perhaps using these coveralls as some sort of security blanket--like, use them to try and feel braver than I am. I can sort of see a series like that, me in the coveralls, but it's very loosely defined at the moment.

Anyway. This was REALLY well-lit and completely visible from a main intersection, as well as car headlights would shine right on me every time one went to exit the lot near where I was. I am certain I wouldn't have done it if my daughter wasn't urging me on, but I left her in the car a few yards away and went ahead and set up my tripod. I figured I could do some shots in the front plow there and even if a cop came, I wasn't climbing on the equipment so technically not doing anything wrong (though a "getting in trouble" doesn't phase me as much as being embarrassed by being seen does...totally nuts, I know).

 

Again. Baby steps. If I do stuff like this more often with my daughter or a friend keeping me company, then hopefully eventually I'll get over my issues and be able to do this on my own as well. I want to get over this fear because I'm only hurting myself.

Here's another:

 

Meanwhile, I am feeling desperate to get into an urbex setting. Ideas are swirling.

Lazy days 25 and 26

 

Reaching and Retracting

I took a self-portrait outside last night and nothing bad happened! Someone walked by and didn't laugh at me. I make my progress in baby steps...

Then today I felt more introverted than ever. I am a bit unsteady on my feet of late. Lots of things going on internally (emotionally) and internally (family) and internally (something else). Trying to do the next right thing can be a huge struggle sometimes, and when I'm not sure what the next right thing is to do I figure it's better to do nothing. This can leave me sitting in a very uncomfortable place where I really want to have a cigarette again (been close to 3 years since I quit. Wow, it seems longer than that). Anyway. I've been in this feeling before. Nothing to do but sit with it.

I have this alternate shot from today that I also really love, but the light/color of the one above was too good to waste. This alternate one is another long exposure using motion to create two images (I love the results of this play). What I adore most about this one is that the left or rear profile of me looks SO much like my profile as a child. Spooky and cool at once. :)

Can you see that or is it just me?