Sad and Beautiful World

Letting Go

Rest in Peace

We had to say goodbye to Pansy today.

We took her to a new vet and I guess I was really hoping for some miracle..some magical pill that would just help her feel better and keep her active for longer. Everyone has been telling me stories of their dogs or cats or a dog they knew who had kidney disease but had ___ and then lived for 4, 5, 6 more years.

This new vet was fantastic. The whole place was great and the Dr. told us so much more than anyone else had about the disease. I was gutted, sure that I had ruined Pansy's chances for a longer life by not taking her here sooner. I am going to struggle with the "what ifs" for quite some time, I think. The vet told us Pansy was just too far gone; her liver was starting to shut down and her breathing was labored. She was starting to show blood in her stool this morning as well.

We knew it was time. As much as we didn't want to say goodbye, we had to let her go. It was peaceful and painless, for her. It was agony for us as we sat on the floor with her, the vet, and one of the techs, all of us caressing her; Pete sobbing and telling her he was sorry. And then she was gone.

We were able to take her home with us (though technically not allowed). Pete couldn't leave her there. He carried her in a blanket in the backseat of the car all the way home as I drove. He dug her a grave in our back garden, in the spot she kept going to these last few days. We waited for my daughter to come home from school and we laid her to rest. We talked of how much we loved her and the things that made us so happy about her. I said we should imagine her leaping about chasing squirrels, and finally catching them.

This evening Pete walked down to the garden center to buy pansies to plant on her grave, but they didn't have any. As if in a ridiculous movie, the woman actually said to him, "It's too late for pansies. They wouldn't last long."

This pansy is on our neighbor's porch. We're going to look tomorrow at another garden center for some and if we can't find any, we'll ask her if we can have some of hers.

Our boy Tyson, who I worried would be very upset, seems to be completely oblivious. I don't know if he'll start getting upset late tonight or in the morning or what. Right now he's in his usual spot at Pete's feet on one couch, and I sit here missing Pansy being at my feet where she usually is.

We will miss her so much and forever. It will get easier, I know, but the tears just keep on coming now. There is something just so desperately sad when we lose an animal companion. All they do is give and give. It's just not fair.

Our Little Girl

I've been preoccupied with our girl Pansy. She's been stricken with kidney disease, which we found out after a long process of missteps and misdeeds in February. We took her to a new vet in March after the local SPCA took weeks to get back to me with abnormal blood results.

So since then, Pete has to give her fluids (normal saline + vitamin B) under her skin every other day or so. It takes about 5 minutes to get the right amount in...injecting in two places (scruff of her neck and back by her hips). She is SO GOOD for it. I'm convinced she knows it is to help her. The first evening Pete sat down with her to do it, he pulled the needle out and Pansy licked his face. She's been on a special diet with very low protein as well.

We had her blood checked again after a few weeks and her number had gone up from 4.2 to 6.5. We doubled her fluid intake.  Personality-wise, she stayed the same: energetic and adorable and nutty as ever. A little over a week ago we had her blood checked again. She had lost 2 lbs and her number went up to 7.3, which is off the charts. She is now only 36 lbs (she was probably close to 45 lbs when she first arrived here). The vet and we were baffled at her energy level, given her number. So it was easy to function in this state of pseudo-denial. She was still our stubborn, squirrel-chasing, barking little girl. She's had a normal appetite and had been peeing and drinking normally.

Well, we had a bit of a reality check Sunday morning on Pansy's health. She was moving really slow. Pete, who has been with Pansy since she was born under his bed in Greece, took her and her brother Tyson out for their walk. He came back in minutes, completely broken up because she was walking like an old, sick dog and the realization that she is truly ill just hit him square in the face, you know? He was a wreck. It was made worse by the fact that he hadn't calculated how fast we'd run out of her fluids since we had upped her to 200ml a day. We were out, and our vet was closed. We called all over. He was beating himself up over it, even though logically we knew missing two days of the sub-q was not going to make such a difference. I went to a drugstore and bought Pedialyte to put in her water bowls (that we have all over the house). An (originally) online friend came to the rescue with a bag of sodium chloride in the middle of the day (she fosters animals) and brought us some great relief. The other thing we discovered is what I suspected: our local vet is totally ripping us off with what they charge for the IV bags. Sigh. Pansy perked up a bit more throughout the day and (hopefully) wondered if the cold, damp weather doesn't bother her some.

We've been in denial, though, both of us. We don't want to see her as an ill dog. We don't want to see her ill. Pansy stopped eating Sunday and has not eaten since. She wouldn't even take a piece of salami or cheese (her favorites).

I felt so helpless and upset, and I turned that into anger and rage against our vet, focusing on the high price of the fluids. I worked myself into a frenzy looking for a new vet yesterday morning. I was desperate to throw things at this problem because there is no way to fix it and I'm not built to handle that. All we can do is love her and cry and I hate it.

We took her back to see the vet yesterday. Pete was straight with the Dr. about how we could get the bags of fluid much cheaper elsewhere, so either sell them to us for that price or give us the script so we could shop around. She (smartly) agreed to the lower price (MUCH lower, by the way). She examined Pansy and said she had no signs of liver damage (eyes not yellow, no fever), but that basically her numbers caught up with her. I asked if she was in pain, and the Dr. said no, she didn't seem to be. The vet also said the fluids would sustain her for now, but we are giving her antacids again (forcing them down) in the hopes that it will bring down the phosphorous levels and help her feel like eating again.

Last night she stayed in the living room (her and her brother normally have a routine of going into the basement for the night when we go to bed...there's couches and rugs down there). She didn't want to do the stairs. I think we were both surprised to see her this morning. She had had some accidents on the floor (her bowels are in bad shape), but was alert. She surprised us again by getting up onto the couch by herself. Pete gave her more fluids...more than she's had in one sitting before...and her body was sucking it right in. Normally a lump forms, but not today.

Right now she's in the garden out back. She seems to want to be out there more because of her unsteady bowels than for our anthropomorphic reasons, if you know what I mean. We seem to just be waiting. Waiting for her to go on her own terms or to let us know she's had enough. I believe we will know. I also believe she is stubborn enough to want to do this on her own terms.

Our little Poozy girl. She's only seven years old. She's lived in Greece, France, and America. I fell in love with her instantly 4 years ago and have only fallen for her harder since. Her independent streak makes me smile.

I will miss her forever when she goes.

 

Reflecting on 'Roid Week

‘Roid Week was a great experience for me. I decided to fully embrace it and not use any other camera (well, until the last day when I went back to an abandoned factory and so HAD to use my regular camera).

I had a steep learning curve. At times I was very frustrated, but being forced to take extra time with each shot so as not to waste the film—to pay even more attention to composition and color—was a good exercise. I only had the FP-100c film (Fuji instant color), and I laughed at myself the first few days when I kept expecting the film to come out in black & white. Or at least look vintage! Apparently just using an old camera, some part of my brain thought the photos would look just as old. The other part of my brain thought they should look that old. I had to pay more attention to color than I already have been training myself to do with my 52 weeks self-portraits. One of my last Polaroid photos was a self-portrait, in fact, though I had to use a bit of assistance (human tripod and shutter pusher, thank you to Gwyn).

The group pool on Flickr blew me away and it was quite humbling to be posting my first attempts among such masterpieces. It was great to see all the different effects the different models of Polaroid cameras create and I was reminded, “everything old is new again.” Check out some of the brilliance there, seriously. You won’t regret it.

Since it was my first time, I’m fairly happy with my results, and proud of myself for learning quickly and gaining some understanding of how the camera works. I think this is my favorite shot, mostly because the guy in my local camera shop (that is sadly going out of business) explained the Zeiss viewfinder to me and how it is supposed to work. We had rain for most of the week here and on this day I went out in it with a tiny umbrella over my shoulder to try and catch the raindrops in a puddle on our driveway. I was really excited to have captured them with any clarity using this hulk of a camera:

You can see all the Polaroid shots I took during the week in the set I created.

'Roid Week 2009

Last week was Haiga, this week is all about Polaroids.

Well, on Flickr it is anyway. For the third year in a row there is a ‘Roid Week group and anyone is invited to submit up to 3 shots a day of any instant-film image (does not have to be strictly Polaroid brands). Only rules are that the shots must be film and must be newly posted to Flickr (so old family Polaroids are fine if you haven’t shared them before).

Me? I’m going all new and will take my daily photos with the Polaroid Automatic 250 Land Camera that I scored for $20 a couple weeks ago in Cold Spring, NY.

This beauty was a better bargain than I had realized! Very clean inside and, it turns out, in great working order. My husband, being the genius that he is, re-wired the battery compartment for me with cell batteries adding up to 4.5 volts rather than ordering the odd 4.5v battery that used to go there (and that can only be bought online and with shipping is cost-prohibitive). I did some research online to figure out how to know if the camera was working before loading the film, and found out what filmpacks I can use that are still readily available. I am currently using FujiFilm FP-100c Professional.

Yesterday was my test-run. I took my first photo from the porch to the rainy street and white-flowered dogwood tree next door. It came out a bit dark, but I was absolutely giddy peeling apart the negative and seeing the result!

Because the film is so expensive (I got a 10-pack for $15.99), I gave only one more go a bit later, adjusting my film speed setting a bit. The film I’m using is 100, but the camera only gives the options for 75, 150, 300, or 3000. I had it on 150 for that first photo, so I tried 75 next, shooting out own dogwood in the backyard. The shutter was open for a very short time so I thought it was going to be a massive fail, but was amazed when the photo was a perfect exposure, matching the light in reality spot-on:

I’m not babysitting this week either, so I’m hoping to go on another adventure with my friend Gwyn and take a Polaroid shot somewhere interesting, as well as see if I can manage a 52 weeks self-portrait with this bulky thing! I’m already incredibly impressed with the images flowing into the group pool this morning, and the variety of styles and types of cameras out there. This is going to be a really fun week.